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6 Perpetrator Grooming Behaviors Every Parent Needs to Know

Understanding grooming behaviors and how grooming leads to child abuse is critical for protecting children. Perpetrators of child sexual abuse are not always scary men who lurk around playgrounds looking for opportunities. In fact, according to the Crimes Against Children Research Center, 80% of children who are sexually abused know their perpetrator. These perpetrators make calculated choices to groom children for abuse. By understanding how grooming operates, adults can more effectively intervene, respond, and protect children from harm.

What Is Grooming? Understanding the Grooming Process

Grooming is the methodical process an abuser uses to build trust with a young person, their caregivers, or even their community in order to prepare for abuse. The grooming process can happen gradually and often looks like a close relationship that others might mistake for mentorship, friendship, or special attention. It involves building trust while exploiting a child's vulnerability.

Australia’s National Office for Child Safety teaches that the intent of the grooming process is to:

gain access to the child or young person to perpetrate child sexual abuse,
obtain sexual material of the child or young person,
obtain the child or young person's trust and/or compliance,
maintain the child or young person's silence, and/or
avoid discovery of sexual abuse.

Sexual grooming is not always obvious, and it’s not commonly reported by children. Groomers often take advantage of a child’s vulnerability, such as low self-esteem or a need for belonging, and may situate themselves in a position of power or as a trusted figure in a young person’s life. They could be a staff member at your child’s school; they could be your child’s coach or music instructor; they could be at your church; they could be the nanny; they could be your very own family member.

Additionally, in today’s world, online grooming is increasingly common. Through social media and other digital platforms, perpetrators can form a special relationship with potential victims outside the view of parents and caretakers.

While this might be frightening to think about, understanding what grooming is and being aware of grooming patterns helps to strengthen your parenting intuition and lower the risk of your child being sexually abused.

Six Common Grooming Behaviors That Every Parent Needs to Know: Recognizing the Stages of Grooming

While perpetrators of sexual abuse come in all shapes and sizes, there are things that almost all perpetrators have in common: they often use certain behaviors to groom a child for abuse. These behaviors are methodical, subtle, gradual, and escalating (meaning they intensify as time goes by). We typically refer to these as grooming behaviors.

01

FORMING RELATIONSHIPS AND BUILDING TRUST

Perpetrators tend to be more interested in forming relationships with children than adults. They will single out one child as "special" and give him or her extra attention, time, and gifts as a way to form a bond between them. They will take a special interest in a child’s look and dress and may take excessive pictures of the child.

By cultivating a relationship with your child that focuses on learning about their interest, opinions, and concerns, you are better equipped to recognize inappropriate relationships in your child’s life.

02

TESTING BOUNDARIES

Perpetrators will try to test the boundaries of your child’s comfort levels. Sometimes they will tell off-colored or sexualized jokes to see how the child will respond. They may try to play sexualized games such as pants-ing, truth-or-dare, or strip games.

They will see how the child reacts when they enter a child’s room or normal places where children are expected to have privacy, such as the restroom. This boundary-testing is a red flag that groomers use to gauge whether they can escalate their grooming behaviors.

Perpetrators thrive in secrecy, and testing boundaries helps them know if they can continue without being caught.

03

TOUCH / PHYSICAL CONTACT

Perpetrators will test the boundaries of physical contact with your child. They usually begin with non-sexual touches such as high-fives and hugging. They may slowly progress to inappropriate touching such as accidentally grazing a private part of the body, just to see how the child will react. They may kiss or have the child sit on their lap.

What’s important to note is they will move from very innocent touching and progress to more sexual physical contact in order to test the reaction of the child. This gradual escalation of physical contact is a common feature of perpetrator behavior and grooming tactics, desensitizing the child to inappropriate touch.

By educating your children early on about their bodies, consent, and sex, they can be better equipped to recognize these inappropriate boundary-testing behaviors.

04

INTIMIDATING AND CONTROLLING

Perpetrators use intimidation in order to keep the child from telling another person about the abuse. They will begin by testing the child’s reaction to being blamed for something simple. They will see if the child pushes back or tells an adult. Then they will progress to threatening the child or causing a child to feel a sense of guilt and/or shame.

Groomers often use fear or embarrassment to keep a child from telling another person about the abuse. They may use statements such as, “No one will believe you,” or threaten them with danger (or danger to someone they love) to maintain control and silence.

By intentionally building a strong and healthy relationship with your child, you keep open the lines of communication. This kind of relationship gives children the opportunity to share what’s going on in their lives without fear.

05

SHARING SEXUALLY EXPLICIT MATERIAL

Perpetrators often share sexual content and sexualized material in order to normalize sexual activity and behavior. They will use sexual terms freely in the presence of your child. They may show sexualized pictures or videos and may often begin a sexualized relationship through messaging or texting first. Exposing children to sexual content is a form of desensitizing them to inappropriate topics and escalating towards abusive interactions.

By monitoring your child’s technology usage, you can be more aware of sexually explicit content they are sending or receiving.

06

COMMUNICATING SECRETLY

Perpetrators will look for any communication channel to communicate with a child secretly. These interactions may begin online through social media or private messaging platforms. They often encourage texting and messaging which can be easily hidden from others. Remember perpetrators thrive in secrecy, so they will likely encourage the child to keep interactions secret—this is a major red flag.

Examples of Grooming Behavior

Safe Kids Thrive describe perpetrators of child sexual abuse as active decision-makers. Groomers continuously evaluate the likelihood of successfully committing this crime while balancing the odds against the possibility of being caught. Below is a list of some additional examples of grooming behaviors and warning signs to look out for:

Groomers May:

Frequently seek alone time with the child, especially in places that are not easily monitored.
Prefer the company of the child to adults.
Secretly connect with the child online through social media or gaming platforms.
Create opportunities to be alone with the child outside their designated role (for example, as a teacher, coach, etc.).
Try to integrate themselves into the family’s life.
“Accidentally” expose themselves to the child.
Allow or encourage a child to do things that parents do not permit.
Use excessive physical touching with the child—hugging, kissing, tickling, holding—even when the child does not ask for it.
Demonstrate a great deal of interest in the child’s sexual development.
Lack respect for the child’s privacy and personal boundaries.
Use flattery to build trust and closeness.
Encourage inappropriate conversations around sexual topics.
Use sexual jokes or language or “accidentally” expose the child to pornography or other sexual content.
Give the child gifts without permission of caretakers and demand secrecy around these gifts.
Minimize concerns about how they are interacting with the child.

Family Member and Community Grooming

One of the most misunderstood aspects of grooming is that it doesn’t always just target a child—it can include grooming family, friends, and even the broader community. Groomers are skilled manipulators who know that gaining the trust of a child’s support network can help them avoid suspicion and maintain access. They may go out of their way to appear helpful, generous, or charming to parents and caregivers, often positioning themselves as trustworthy figures or even role models.

For instance, a groomer may:

Offer to babysit for the family or provide childcare.
Give gifts to the family.
Become deeply involved in a family’s life.
Volunteer in local youth serving organizations.
Offer rides to children.
Host sleepovers at their house.
Always show up to community events (i.e. birthday parties, schools plays, etc.).
Offer special attention or help to a single parent.

These types of calculated behaviors can make it much harder for adults to see the warning signs or believe a child if they raise concerns.

In some cases, groomers will slowly isolate the child by creating a sense of dependency or secrecy, all while building strong, positive relationships with the people around them. Their high visibility within families and communities can make it difficult for parents to question their intentions. This dual manipulation—appearing trustworthy to adults while targeting a child in private—is exactly what makes grooming so dangerous and difficult to detect. It's important for parents and caregivers to stay alert, trust their instincts, and remember that abuse can happen even in environments that feel safe.

What Should I Do If a Child Tells Me They’re Being Groomed?

If a child tells you they think they’re being groomed or abused, your response in that moment is critical. The National Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Children (NSPCC) recommends listening closely, reassuring them that they did the right thing by speaking up, telling them it’s not their fault, and explaining to them what you’re going to do next. Children who disclose grooming or abuse are often scared, confused, or unsure of what’s happening, so your job is to believe them without judgment and make sure they feel safe.

Let the Child Lead the Conversation

Let them talk at their own pace. Avoid asking leading questions, and don’t push for details they aren’t ready to share. Instead, offer affirmations like, “Thank you for telling me,” or “You’re very brave for saying this.” Your priority is to create a space where your child feels protected and heard.

Parent Tip: Create a calm environment before you respond. Your tone and body language should show that you’re listening and that your child is safe to open up.

Don't Dismiss Their Concerns

Some parents and caregivers may instinctively downplay a child’s concerns—especially when the adult in question is someone respected, like a coach, religious leader, or mentor. It’s natural to want to believe that trusted figures are always safe, but this assumption can be dangerous. Grooming often happens in plain sight, and abusers frequently position themselves in roles that give them access to children and the trust of families. Dismissing a child's discomfort or concerns not only silences them but also creates space for abuse to continue. Always take a child’s words seriously. Believing them is the first step toward protecting them.

Report Your Concerns to Local Authorities or Child Protection Services

If you believe a child is being groomed, is at risk of abuse, or is being abused, it’s critical to report your concerns immediately to local authorities or child protection services. Even if you’re unsure, reporting allows professionals to investigate and take steps to keep the child safe. Every state and country has specific laws about reporting suspected abuse. In the United States, you can contact:

Local law enforcement (dial 911 if a child is in immediate danger)
Child Protective Services (CPS) in your area
The Childhelp National Child Abuse Hotline at 1-800-4-A-CHILD (1-800-422-4453) for free, confidential support

If you live outside the U.S., reach out to your country’s child protection agency or emergency services for guidance.

A Disclaimer

It is common to read about these grooming behaviors and identify people who do some of these things, but that doesn’t automatically make them a perpetrator. The goal of talking and being informed about these grooming behaviors is to strengthen your intuition and help you be on alert.

With that said, if you ever see these behaviors and feel like something is wrong, you can use a strategy we call “confronting with kindness” to help protect your child. Confronting with kindness includes only two steps:

Pull the person aside and explain the boundaries you have established for your child and why you have them, and
Ask them to support you in those boundaries.

If the individual did the behavior innocently, they will likely be very apologetic and in the future keep those boundaries. If the individual is, in fact, a perpetrator, they will be put on high alert, and it is rare that they would continue to groom your child. If perpetrators know you are watching, they will usually stop targeting your child.

The number one thing to remember is that you are responsible to stay informed and take an active part in your child’s life.

You can do this. The simple actions you take to stay informed can be the very things that protect your child from danger.

Frequently Asked Questions About Grooming

Grooming is a deliberate process used by offenders to gain the trust of a child—and often their caregivers—with the goal of committing abuse. Because it can appear caring or innocent at first, grooming can be difficult to detect. This FAQ answers common questions about what grooming looks like, how it happens (both in person and online), and what steps you can take to protect children and seek help if you suspect it has occurred.

It can be devastating and disorienting to discover that your child has been groomed in person or online. If you suspect that your child is being groomed, first and foremost, give yourself grace for not realizing sooner—grooming is not always obvious. After that, be sure not to leave your child alone with the person you’re concerned about until you find out more information. Avoid letting that person do any favors for your family. Report the abuse to local authorities and be sure to continue to monitor the situation and support your child.

Explore Additional Resources

Around the world, many organizations are dedicated to preventing child sexual abuse, raising awareness about grooming behaviors, and supporting survivors and families. The following resources highlight some of the impactful efforts being made through research, education, advocacy, and community engagement. Each organization contributes valuable tools and insights that complement Saprea’s mission to empower individuals and protect children from sexual abuse.

Australia’s National Office for Child Safety

Australia’s National Office for Child Safety leads the development and implementation of its nation’s priorities aimed at preventing and responding to child sexual abuse. The office also monitors and evaluates progress of related initiatives, engages stakeholder and advisory groups, and provides guidance on reporting, media practices, and minimum practice standards for organizations and services dealing with child sexual abuse. Using their resources, you can explore a high-quality combination of statistics and practical implications of wide-ranging research around child sexual abuse. Saprea applauds when government resources are effectively marshalled to advance research around the issue of child sexual abuse.

Safe Kids Thrive

Safe Kids Thrive is a Massachusetts-based initiative that supports youth serving organizations (YSOs) in preventing child sexual abuse by providing evidence based resources, guidelines, and tools. It aims to equip adults and organizations—such as schools, sports clubs, arts programs, and child & family services—with policies, training, and implementation strategies to protect children from harm. Their work includes developing prevention and intervention plans, recommending oversight procedures, fostering public awareness, and providing a “prevention check” tool to help organizations evaluate their safety practices. Safe Kids Thrive is a premier example of how YSO’s can take action to reduce the risk of abuse while still accomplishing their organization’s purpose.

National Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Children (NSPCC)

National Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Children (NSPCC) is dedicated to preventing abuse and supporting children and families affected by it. What distinguishes the NSPCC is how they provide direct services such as therapy, counseling, and support for at-risk children and work with schools to educate children about staying safe. They also advocate for policy change, conduct research into child protection, and helps organizations improve their safeguarding practices.

Bravehearts

Bravehearts is an Australian-based non-profit that works to holistically empower and protect children. Their approach includes specifically educating children about personal safety, supporting survivors, and educating the community. Bravehearts also advocates for legislative reform, conducts research, and runs public awareness campaigns. This organization is a good example of a nonprofit which cultivates a strong combination of awareness and education initiatives.